Life as a missionary has a tendency to keep me humble and in constant daily checkins with God. Lately, I’ve been feeling really broken and isolated. This entire virus situation has affected us here as well, and that’s part of it. But the other is simply that my life is just so different now, compared to 5 years ago, or even 3 years ago. (No regrets, just processing life). And though being vulnerable and putting it out there is unimaginable sometimes, I’m eternally grateful to know THE ONE that is there through it all. He sees, He knows, He loves and He will get us through it.
I so often struggle with what is ok to share or what is too much. My entire days are filled with all the needs and wants of everyone around, I forget my own. And then a song will come along (Tasha Layton “Into the Sea”) and just bring a breakthrough. (A good lethargic cry as well, lol). Thank you Jesus for faithful, inspired musicians!🙌🏼
My entire image of what a person who is a “missionary”, was this holy, beautiful, flawless, perfect human, that depicts Gods love and grace 24/7.
But I’m not that, far from it. It’s why I often laugh and ask God, really, me?!
See, I love wholeheartedly and try my best every day to be the light of Jesus. To show, and not just tell, how much God loves us all and how amazing it is to have a relationship with Him. To know him intimately and be able to let your guard down. To serve and give it your all and know it MATTERS to someone.
But it’s scary being vulnerable. Scary because of the world around us and what’ll they say. I’m loud, and direct and most times then not, will tell you my opinion. Some will say, “well Lily, that’s not Godly”, and most times I‘ll reply, “well if only I was perfect”. Snarky, I know, but it’s the truth. Don’t get me wrong, I do try. I try to bite my tongue. I try to be polite. I try to be more graceful in my speaking. No one is perfect, including missionaries. We’ve given up and sacrificed our own lives for the chance that even one soul might be saved. And we’re not asking for special treatment either, so please don’t take this in that way.
But I’ve learned over the last few years that people are sensitive and get upset quite easily. And the fact that I would hurt someone by my directness, hurts me as well. I ask the Lord every day to help me show His love to others, because mine alone will fail. I ask for discernment, and guidance, so that I can continue being the light and salt He’s called us to be in this broken world. Yesterday I heard the saying, “hurt people, hurt people”. And it hit a nerve with me. I’ve been let down, used and abused (verbally) so many times in my life. I’ve had unimaginable loss, and love gone wrong a few too many times. And because I am a strong person, I’d shove that hurt aside each time and just move on. I’d tell myself to go have a good cry and it’ll all be ok. And it was for a long time. But it all adds up and you wake up one day and realize that your heart is just a million broken pieces. Well, at least mine is. And I can’t remember what it feels like to have a whole heart. A heart that can trust and love completely without thinking what does that other person want from me.
I pray for a whole heart. I pray God restores all broken hearts. If I’ve learned yet another thing, it’s that you can only give so much with a broken heart. People often ask what can they pray for, well this is it.. pray for God to restore whole hearts. Not just for me, and you, but for so many of us in the world.
Gods got us, I know that 110%, but He still wants us to seek Him. And you know what, it will all be ok. Gods plans for our lives are way better then our current situations. But as flawed as we all are, we still have to do our part, broken pieces and all. If you’d told me 5 years ago I’d find myself “finding myself“ in the middle of the African continent, I wouldn‘t have believed it. But His plans of restoration and healing are not what we think or imagine. They’re better!
Go and love on someone, even if your fuel is nearing empty. God is filling up and restoring even as you read this.